Girls from the North
I’ve been all over the country and as a young male, a majority of my time in public is spent looking at girls. I have been doing so for over ten years in over forty states, so I’m pretty much an expert. As such, I’d like to talk to you about the dumpy little bridge trolls they call women in the North. I do not think this problem is genetic but rather the result of nurture in the harsh Northern temperament.
It starts at the youngest age. The girls are kept warm near an open fire that crackles as hot embers land on their face, charring any exposed skin. As they grow, they are fed meat gravy to fatten them for the winter months. This of course has great wear on their figure.
Finally, the exposure over the years make them age like a chimney sweep during the industrial revolution. Over the years, the salt from the roads splashes on their faces as cars pass and the cold wind errods their their faces. The skin hardens and cracks like mudd in the desert. It’s equivalent to sticking your face in a strip club while greasy fat bald dudes blow smoke in your face.
In the end you are left with what looks like a pale tubby troll doll that climbed out of a bog in Northern Ireland and has been smoking cigars for fifty years. Seriously, take a girl from the North, clean her face up with a damp towel or wetnap, spike up her hair and dye it any primary color, and put a gem in her belly button. That’s the cutest she’ll ever be. The North is like the "The Island of Misfit Toys"
--Chapter H
-A friend of the pint, Anytime D.H., a former New Yorker and alledged Canadian provided the thesis of this post. Also thanks to Cheestache Jake for his "Island of Misfit Toys" analogy.
5 comments:
I want to know who signed me up for a Twitter account. Obviously the only tweets I follow are from a Tasty Pint because I get text messages every time you update. You need someone to editt your errods.
This is funny and pretty much the exact story I have been telling people for years. As far as an expert at looking at girls...come on dude. I know the majority of this post came from my retarded mind, but I'm more upset you claim to have an expertise in my field. Good job, although with my inflection and unique dialect, the told tale of these northern beasts is much better. I once was guaranteed to bang a hot girl who I knew as a kid when I went back to NY about two years ago. We were at the popular, very over-crowded local bar I told her,"I see more hot girls when I walk into a Wal-Mart in Georgia than I see here tonight." Needless to say she took personal offense and drunkenly told my whole family what I said and that she pretty much would have hooked up with me until I said that. I told them, "Fuck you. It's true," and proceeded to pass out on an air mattress.
Anytime DH, I needed an introduction and also establish credibility with the readers. It has to be noted that I have observed women from the entire country. If I was not well traveled people will disregard my opinion. Unfortunately however, I have not been to a bog in Northern Ireland but I can imagine the type of creature that lives there.
p.s. I like the comment about Wal-Mart.
Anytime DH, when are you going to start doing stand-up? You should use this pint post as the delivery of your thesis. I think you could actually go somewhere.
New pone-ology:
Troll-pone: girl from the north who has a number of dermatological issues as well as the personality of a creature living under a bridge somewhere. Probably in Ithaca.
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